Confirmed: DC Has a Kindness Problem
A West Coast Reminder
I just spent five days on the West Coast and came back pleasantly disarmed. This kid from the Northeast has always had a sharp tongue and a direct edge, but after 24 years in DC, I’m rarely surprised by unkind — even downright mean — exchanges.
On my flight out, a woman across the aisle scolded me for exiting my row before her. Apparently, airplanes are supposed to unload left side to right. In 52 years of flying, I’ve never heard that rule. The abruptness rattled me for the rest of the day. I expected the rest of the trip to match the weather when I landed: gray, chilly, and disappointing.
But then the sun broke through — and so did something else.
At the beach, a guy tried to take my parking spot. I braced for a standoff: horns, glares, passive aggression. Instead, he rolled down his window and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.” Then… he just moved on.
Total. Freaking. Shock.
The next day, strangers offered compliments about my dress — and I instinctively scanned their faces for sarcasm. Someone asked if my kids went to school with hers. We chatted like neighbors, then parted ways as if we’d known each other for years.
In those small moments — warmth, ease, human connection — I realized how far we’ve drifted from that in DC. Here, we’re used to the transactional, the calculated, the adversarial. Every conversation feels like a negotiation. Every interaction has an angle. It’s a culture built on politics that pit us against one another — and we’ve all adapted a little too well.
But for a brief window on the West Coast, I remembered what it feels like to be treated simply and kindly. No subtext. No suspicion. Just people going out of their way… because they can.
Even at the airport on the way home, when I spilled an entire coffee, I braced for the hassle. But before I could say a word, the barista smiled and handed me a fresh one. “No problem,” she said. No charge. No attitude.
Maybe I’ve lived in DC too long. But maybe that’s exactly why I need to hold tighter to what I found out there — a reminder that kindness doesn’t have to be rare, that warmth can be reflexive, and that not every interaction needs an agenda.
As I return to a city where courtesy feels like a lost art and civility often comes second to strategy, I’m going to try to carry that West Coast ease with me — and offer a little more grace, even when it’s not returned.
It’s a double whammy. You’re constantly being gaslit or treated adversely in DC, then you go somewhere else for a bit, feel gaslit until you make the adjustment, and then get culture shock when you return!
It’s good to remember there are non transactional interactions with people—and it’s a great reminder of why people are suspicious of DC folk… because we’re suspicious of everyone!
Could it possibly be that your California interactions were with the many transplanted Midwestern folks who ditched the life-sucking winter weather for California's consistent good-life vibe? If we could all get to the ocean and a beach anytime we needed a stroll in the sand to chill, wouldn't our attitudes improve? Alas, we cannot... but it's good you experienced common decency, took note, and wrote this article about it. I couldn't agree more with the needed civility adjustment in DC and beyond.